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Personal Stories of Coping

A Parents’ Journey

I remember like it was yesterday, sitting next to my son’s bassinet in the NICU and feeling so alone. Here in the middle of a busy, loud room filled with nurses, doctors, families and friends; I was alone. And I was scared.

Two days earlier, I had delivered my second son by emergency c-section. He was beautiful....perfect but he was very, very sick. He had suffered a hemorrhagic stroke and was now fighting a life threatening blood disorder. Denial. How could this be happening to me? I could not believe that this was my reality. It wasn’t how I had planned it all out.

I don’t remember the first few weeks, I was lost. I was numb. Then, I was angry. I was angry that my God had done this to my son and to me. I was angry that the doctor had waited to long, I was angry at myself. Did I do something wrong and this was my punishment. There were so many painful and irrational thoughts.

It was difficult to get up in the morning, even the most basic task was so challenging. There were many days when getting up was all I could do.
Weeks and months slowly started to go by, my boy had made it home. We were given the “you just have to wait and see” speech. Waiting is unbearable. Enter in the next stage of grief: bargaining. I was making deals at every turn with God. I offered it all, including my own existence in trade for my son’s health and recovery. I was desperate and I was depressed. I had always been an optimistic and outgoing person but not at this point. I had entered into a dark, miserable place. Crying spells, panic attacks, massive weight loss, reclusive, and sad. I actually feared that I would not be able to conquer these emotions. Seeking counsel, being honest, open and accepting help. These were few of the first steps in the right direction. The direction of healing and self peace. My journey has lead me back to a place where I can smile, laugh, love and have peace. There are still hard times but there is hope. Acceptance.

My hope for you is that you know you are not alone. And I hope that one day you can find acceptance.

Joshua’s Mama